In a recent interview in Greggs, down town Merthyr Tudful, Wayne-O Pijin declared his intention to stand as a candidate for the Cooo-operative Party.
Referring to it as the General 'Erection', Pijin explained that they were erecting walls, fences, roads and more in the Borough much to the detriment of his kind.
Between corned beef pasty and jam doughnut, Pijin commented that the No-Wings (humans) were rapidly destroying his environment, especially with their plans to move the bus-station.
He welcomed the growth of fast food outlets, but predicted the demise of the local chippy, though it wouldn't alter the dietary requirements of his ilk.
He said that while there were increased opportunities for study with the opening of the new access-for-all Greggs, Merthyr still needed at least five additional ones to accomodate the growing pigeon population and its hunger.
When I asked him what he thought of the present M.P., he was scathing -
' I ave on'y ever seen im in a flak jacket on telly through people's windows. If we ad a full-scale Civil War in Merthyr between us an the No-Wings, I imajin ee'd turn up......arfter the conflict!'
I then asked him how he responded when many people called him and others like him 'scroungers'.
' It's wha I do do for a livin mun. It's my daily job; that an bonkin.....an yew don' yer the media criticise us f'r that, do yew?'
His election strategy was being managed by his Head of Campaigns Al-Wings Jones, a Zen Buddhist pigeon who spends a lot of time meditating on tree-tops.
'I trust Al-Wings. Ee might seem a bit static at times, but ee int stuffed! Ee'll sort an ewge election drop, no prob.'
His 'Birdifesto' makes interesting reading :-
1. Votes for all 'pijins' of all ages.
2. Greggsology and Pijin Welsh to be part of the Core Curiculum in all schools.
3. Retention and expansion of the 'Food Tubes' ( i.e. the bus-station).
4. Increase in fast food outlets at the rate of one per week.
5. Julien Macdonald to be made into a saint because he favours the use of furry animals (predators to pigeons) in his clothing range and, as far as Pijin's aware, has never used pigeon feathers.
6. In place of every statue of a boxer the erection (he now deployed the word positively) of sculptures of pies and pasties, which would provide perfect perches.
7. Removal of all offensive spikes above signs.
8. No vomit to be cleaned from the streets after Friday and Saturday nights, because although it's somewhat sour, it does introduce his kin to a taste of world cuisine.
9. Introduction of a Cooo-operative Society at every level of : pavements, rooftops and ubiquitous roof trees.
10. World heritage Status for all Merthyr's footbridges - secret treasures of the Valleys - to bring tourist 'pijins' to the area and enjoy those vantage points.
11. The immediate abolition of opencast mining.
On the last point Wayne-O elucidated - ' It's no joke! With all the black dust in the air yew carn tell a pigeon from a crow. The mating implications are most unfortunate.'
Finally, Pijin would like to see a massive Festival of Droppings every year in Cyfarthfa Park, with a formation fly-past and summary revenge on the No-Wings below for their historical mistreatment and abuse of pigeons.
I'm standin f'r-a Coo Coo Cooo-operative Party,
s Vote f Me!
Speakin Pijin Welsh t ev'ryone
Think o what we d' do
when yew call us 'rats with wings'.
We're great at re-cyclin,
eat ev'rythin, even yewer spew.
Bits a chips an pasties yew fling :
more like oovers with wings.
Member, if yew get dive-bombed,
int it lucky t be shat on?
So, vote f'r me,
not jest pijins but No-Wings!