Pigeons gather in Merthyr to plan their next attack
Merthyr Tudful is experiencing a serious problem which the local paper described as ' like a Biblical plague'.
The behaviour of an infestation of pigeons in the town centre is causing consternation and horror.
I myself was set upon by a low-flying bird and had to be taken to A & E at Prince Charles Hospital with head wounds.
I was shocked to find others in the waiting-room with similar experiences.
One mother had brought her 6 year-old daughter there after a pasty had been snatched from her hand, badly damaging her fingers.
One man - who admitted he'd 'been on the pop all day' - claimed that several pigeons pecked at his mouth when he fell over, after 'bits of spew'. His lips were bleeding profusely.
Later I contacted Prof. Andre Bartzman, a PhD in Avian Psychology at Glamorgan University and he explained the phenomenon -
' I have been studying pigeon behaviour for many years and my thesis was on the possibility of them taking over the world one day.....I am familiar with Merthyr's situation and would attribute it to power struggles in the pigeon world.
Wayne-O Pijin is exercising his power in an attempt to show his rivals - such as Bazza of the Black Wood - that he has complete control of local flocks.'
Indeed the 'coo' around town is that ex-leader of the Coo-coo-operative Party and present leader of the Pijic Flying Party Wayne-O Pijin, is becoming increasingly paranoid.
After his 'chipwa' ( pijin for fatwa) on Bazz Woodpijin, he has alienated former Campaign Manager Al-Wings Jones.
Al-Wings has reportedly 'gone underground' having had life-changing wing surgery and is trying to persuade local rats that he's one of them.
Former legal adviser Timothy Rich-pickings has started his own counselling service for 'victims of pijic abuse', which Wayne-O Pijin will only interpret as a threat to his hegemony.
When I attempted to interview him on the roof of Redhouse (which he strangely calls 'Ty Glas'), he dismissed me with a single phrase - 'Me and Mourinho!'
I did manage to catch up with one of his many wives however, when she appeared at Lucy Thomas Shrine to pay homage to Wayne-O (in the form of several Yum Yums).
This wife called herself' Gloria McFly', though I doubt that's her real name.
'Is Wayne-O responsible for the extremely aggressive attacks by pigeons in town over the last few weeks?' I asked her.
'No, this is caused by No-Wings' provocation. Once they began putting spikes on bins and window sills, they were asking for trouble.'
'Has Wayne-O instructed pigeons to cause these terrible injuries?'
'Not at all! Pijic Flying encourages a genuine sense of utter peace. Any anger in the pigeon population is merely a reaction to traitors in our midst and No-Wings' warfare.'
'Why won't Wayne-O speak to the media at all? Is he afraid of being exposed?'
' Whatever Wayne-O says will be misrepresented.....Did you know that pigeons played a vital role in your world wars? Homers like 'Cher Ami' and 'The Mocker' were heroes as carriers.
But we've aided the No-Wings for too long and Satguru Wayne-O has expressed utter contempt.
If the Food Cloisters are knocked down and the bus-station relocated, then I dread to think what will happen!'
'But Wayne-O's book '49 Steps to Pijic Flying' is literally flying off the shelves in Cardiff bookshops. Surely, this proves there's sympathy for your plight.'
' That's because seagulls are seen as the enemies in the capital. They understand us there, whereas here in Merthyr we are seen as enemies.'
With that, she fluttered off to join Wayne-O Pijin on the roof of Redhouse.
Local poet Dai 'the Rhyme' Davies has been moved to pen this about the highly disturbing events :-
FAT RATS WITH WINGS
We got pigeons down town
fat rats with wings,
making the Council look like clowns,
attacking us,stealing our things.
Taking our pasties, pies and chips
as we innocently walk,
I always give them jip -
'Bog off, or I'll get the hawks!'
Totally beyond they are,
we need that mosquito machine
which gets rid of teenagers,
to work for the mangy pigeons.
They aim their droppings
onto our pensioners' hair,
they even attack our shopping,
so you'd better beware!
They fly into kiddies' faces
as if they have gone mad,
even cafes are not safe places,
I've never seen it so bad.
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