
It's almost like one of his poems which asks a series of questions ( such as 'what does J.C.B. stand for?').
The answer is one Mike Church, whose first book 'A Wee Bit of Trouble' (Pont, £4.99) is just out.
It's aimed purely at children who are ten and three quarter years old,not a day either side, as he jokes in 'Age Appropriate'.
Actually, although it's for children, adults could easily read and enjoy it thoroughly, as long as they've got a sense of humour and are prepared to meet the dreaded Mrs. Grimwood of the title poem, who picked on the poet when he wet himself in school.
Hence the pool of piss on the cover, which someone mistook for custard according to Mike.
Mike has been on the poetry scene for a long time and I've had the pleasure of knowing him for most of it.
When I won the John Tripp a good while back, his fan club cheered when the winner was announced as 'Mike.....', then groaned when my surname was read out!
He's a performance poet without comparison, who often uses his juggling skills to illustrate a point, or humiliate teachers like me in front of the class.
I have been saved from an egg landing on my face at the last moment, but been hit by an admittedly blunt sword.
Mike has been an actor (with Everyman and other groups) and he uses this skill to great effect in his performances : his readings are full of drama and his intros often like stand-up comedy.
He has been a Red Poets regular for many years and although he has only appeared in a couple of issues, he is someone whose work is imbued with his pacifism, socialism and republicanism.
After doing so many workshops in schools, prisons, stadiums, shopping centres and anywhere they'll have him, it's a cause for real celebration that his first collection's out and soon-departing Pont editor Viv Sayer has obviously lavished great care on it.
'A Wee Bit of Trouble' is truly one of the best ever poetry books for children, witty and pertinent from start to finish.
I love his odd tales, narrated in such a dead-pan way, like an encounter with God while waiting for a train to Merthyr , in 'Another Strange Meeting'.
He has an uncanny ability to send up people without being cruel, but in a gently mocking manner, as in 'Colin' about a very boastful boy.
Also, he identifies with the underdog and those who find poetry and reading a real challenge, especially in poems like 'Reading Aloud ' and 'Boys Don't Read'.
Many of his poems are set in classrooms and both teachers and pupils can identify with the hilarious situations he describes, where a wasp causes widespread panic or a teacher farts while putting up a display.
The apt illustrations were done by Louise Richards, better-known for her tremendous work in the Valleys with LitWales.
My only quibble is that the names of the children are universally Welsh, which is untypical of most schools in Wales today.
We are definitely living at a time when there are many excellent writers of both poetry and prose for young people in Cymru : from Jon Blake in Cardiff, to Jenny Sullivan ( now living in France) and Catherine Fisher of Newport. These, together with Mike Church and others, should be read and enjoyed in every single school in our country.
The Welsh Assembly Government simply do not do enough to ensure that Welsh Lit. in English is the staple reading diet of our children.
And, you never know, some of these schools might even invite the authors in.
Teachers beware! One of Churchy's swords could drop on you from mid-air!
CLASS K
(for Mike Church)
In that class in Ysgol Pen-y-bryn
the names were quite amazing.
The nearest to a Welsh one was Kaitlin,
spelt with a 'K' like the other ones.
There was a Kyle and two Kians
and three versions of Keiron, Kiaran and Kieron.
There was a Kayleigh and a Kayla
which I'd never come across before.
There was even one boy called Kayak
(at least it sounded like that).
And a girl they just called K.,
because her name was Polish and difficult.
I wondered if the Klu Klux Klan
had infiltrated the local estate;
had their parents OD'd on Kentucky Fried Chicken
or, more likely, were fans of Kim Kardashian.
I asked the teacher what was behind it,
'Afraid I couldn't say,' he admitted,
'my name's Karl, by the way......
and they call me Special K.'