Satguru , His High Holiness Wayne-O Pijin
After his remarkable re-birth, former election candidate for the Coo-coo-operative Party Wayne-O Pijin agreed to meet me at the now holy shrine of Lucy Thomas Fountain, lower High Street, Merthyr.
I was very wary about getting to the top of the fountain, but Wayne-O assured me this would be easy.
'You're a Bluebird!' he insisted, I've seen your Facebook profile. If you can't fly up, then nobody can.'
I was about to explain the connotations of being a Cardiff City fan when he flew off towards the Redhouse to meet his disciple Al-Wings Jones.
He left me with a pizza box and on it, scrawled in tomato puree, were ten commandments of Pijinism :-
1. Everything is Nothing and Nothing is Everything.
2. Pijic Flying is essential for spiritual well-being ( courses available from Wayne-O Pijin, one pasty per session).
3. Death is merely a state of mind ( leaflets can be purchased from Al-Wings Jones, one donut each).
4. Greggsology is a false creed (don't be fooled by its open doors).
5. Seagulls are messengers of the devil ( even though we don't believe in him).
6. All droppings from above must be selective not random. No-Wings who embrace Pijinism will henceforth be guano-free.
7. The Food Tubes shall be re-named The Food Cloisters and be regarded as holy ground to all pigeons.
8. All offerings left at Lucy Thomas Fountain shall be shared ( between Satguru Pijin and his many wives and offspring).
9. Coo-munion will take place late every Saturday night with the 'taking of the retchings'.
10. The only true politics is the philosophy of one-ness experienced by 'flying without wings'.
When I eventually met up with Wayne-O Pijin at Lucy Thomas Fountain he was extremely amused as I clambered up towards him.
' Call yourself a Bluebird? You No-Wings are soooo pretentious!'
Finally, out of breath and feeling precarious, I began the interview :
' What exactly is Pijic Flying and how will it benefit anyone?'
' It is the way of harmony and connection with the whole universe, except seagulls of course! I experienced it when I was judged to be 'dead'.....I am now saying that everyone else can, even a so-called Bluebird like yourself.'
' But why do you want to profit from it?'
' The profit, as you call it, is merely the energy of the universe. It is the fuel to sustain this mystery.'
' But doesn't it go to you and your very large family?'
' Look, my Bluebird friend, we are here on this sacred site. I accept you have doubts, but be assured this isn't for my good but for everyone's....I already have one No-Wings who is a convert....he has partaken of the blessed vomit.....Look below you and see him balancing on that bench. That No-Wings is experiencing Pijic Flying.'
' He just looks drunk!'
' Not true! Listen and you'll hear him proclaim.'
Sure enough, from below in the street I could hear the man call out:
'Ey I'm flyin! Don' need no wings! This is fuckin magic mun!'
I put it to Wayne-O Pijin that he's simply interested in exerting more power over other pigeons and gullible No-Wings as well.
' I'm only a messenger for that great energy which flows through everything and brings opposites together - life and death, light and dark, good and seagulls - into one.'
' Seagulls?'
' Well, maybe not....but they are trying to take over and threaten our livelihoods.'
' So how come there are certain rules for you - like having so many wives - while everyone else must couple for life?'
' Once again, O Bluebird of Doubt, this is entirely down to that energy force. I have to do its bidding.'
My interview was then cut short when Bazza the Wood Pijin arrived with some serious Tincture of Cornbeef Pasty and Wayne-O declared that he had a meeting of his Inner Circle.
I leave you with a eulogy written by one of Wayne-O's wives, the enchanting Rita Homer :-
ALL AIL PIJIN!
All ail the Satguru o Pijinism,
all ail Wayne-O Pijin!
No more will Greggsology
determine ower livin.
Holy spew an scraps an pickins,
worship at the Lucy Thomas Fountain!
Skewer us with yewer spikes,
or shoot us with yewer stick things ;
we will not die, we are alive
as the re-born Pijin.
Pijic Flyin is a state of no-mind,
I Rita Homer am at one
with ev'rythin and nothin.
All ail Wayne-O Pijin!
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