In an extraordinary development this week, the Merthyr General 'Erection' candidate for the Coo-coo-operative Party Dr. Wayne-O Pijin appeared to come back from the dead.
   Just as his takeaway box was being dropped into the River Taff in time-honoured pigeon tradition, Dr. Pijin ( an eminent PhD in Greggsology) simply flew out of it, greeting shocked followers and ecstatic wives with a long 'Cooooooooo!'
   His election manager Al-Wings Jones saw it as a spiritual sign :
   ' It's a Zen Buddhist revelation!' he claimed.'I truly believe Wayne-O Pijin has returned to lead us into a new and feather-based religion which requires no worship of a god whatsoever......We arel all dead and alive at the same time and Dr. Pijin proved this by his own example. We were all convinced that he'd kicked the carton  after being hit by a juggernaut while fleeing to Scotland after the election.'
   His former legal representative Timothy Rich-Pickings was far more sceptical :
   ' I think he was merely in a coma and came round just as the carton-coffin was falling towards the water. What we'd believed to be blood on his body was, in fact, tomato ketchup as, contrary to media reports, he'd swooped  for a large hot-dog and not a sandwich.'
   However, one of his many lovely wives, Rita Homer, was coo-ing with delight :
   ' It's soooo great to have Wayne-O back and in one piece. I only hope he decides to stay in his home town.....the standard of vomit here is far better than in Scotland.'
   I managed to speak to Dr. Pijin when he landed on the roof of the Redhouse to re-unite with his families and followers. He was understandably shaken but confident enough to declare himself 'guru' of this new religion , open to everyone except seagulls :
   ' I actually died! I can assure you that, contrary to previous pigeon philosophy, the afterlife is not the insides of a Giant Pasty.
   No, it is a place I've been to before and will happily lead anyone towards if only they are open to it.
   It's a place which is inside and outside, alive and dead, up and down.
   It's a place which is neither good nor bad, right or wrong.
   All you have to do is fly without taking off....even No-Wings can try it.
   I am calling it Pijinism and it's definitely not a cult.
   I'm not saying anybody should make offerings of pies, pasties or long fries to me.
   All I am saying is that from now on the Lucy Thomas Fountain is a sacred site of all who declare themselves Pijinists and any contributions would be welcome.'
   When I put it to him that he'd been in a deep coma, he was dismissive :
  ' I was taken into one long vision....from that small country road to the sky above the river.
   It's possible for everybody to fly away from themselves in order to discover their links with the universe.
   There is no Pasty God!
   Greggsology is a false creed and I shall throw my doctorate into the Taff!
   We no longer need to look to scraps and pickings as our only joys......even with bonking we can only raise ourselves so far.'
   It remains to be seen whether other pigeons and doves will embrace this message.
   The early indications are that the erstwhile politician has really started something.
   Whether the No-Wings will join this Pijic Flying is another matter.
   Could a religious party even stand in next year's Assembly election?


   This is Timothy Rich-Pickings eye witness account......



                               A  PIJIN  RE-BORN


As a legal eagle
(even though I'm officially
a collared dove)
I am always sceptical.


However, I witnessed it.
It was a typical pigeon funeral
as Dr. Pijin's KFC bucket
was dropped onto the River Taff.


His many wives coo-ed
and keened, comrade Bazza
the wood pijin potion-maker
let him go from on high.


Saw it with my own eyes!
It was a miraculous sight!
Let the dead rise!
(Actually, I think it was a coma).


Wayne-O flew out of his carton 
before it hit the water,
soared towards us like an angel
uttering forth -' Any donuts? I'm starvin!'


Al-Wings Jones would have none of it,
believing it was all a sign :
'Wayne-O is back and Pijinism is born!'
he declared....and dropped his load.  

   Women should be plaintive singer-songwriters or interpreting folk , like Laura Marling doing a Joni.
   They should be quirky Kate Bush follow-ups with non-existent groups , like Marina and the Diamonds.
   They should be backing singers to the true greats like Cohen, or soul merchants or girl-group teenyboppers.....
   This was certainly the feeling I had from watching the annual  pop and rock awards on S4C, where the only women in evidence (apart from one member of Candelas) were handing out the gongs to run-of-the-mill male rock bands.
   In a recent 'Guardian' article John Harris blamed the general demise of contemporary music on this and cited Fleetwood Mac as a unique band where male and female interactions created fascinating movements between harmony and tension.
   While I do prefer the Peter Green manifestation of that particular group, his point is highly pertinent.
   The main reason why Arcade Fire's first album 'Funeral' was, by some distance, their most interesting wasn't just their intriguing lyrics and intensity , it was very much the vocal  dueting, duelling, and harmonising of Win Butler and Regine Chassagne. 
   As the latter has moved into the background, so they have lost what made them.
   Here in Cymru we are blessed with two bands where women contribute so much.
   Milford Haven's Paper Aeroplanes are actually reminiscent of Fleetwood Mac, and Sarah Howells's vocals favourably compared to Stevie Nicks.
   On cds like the recent 'Joy' she has many layers of voices, while live her voice is much more intimate and direct.
   If they're the mellower and sadder side of rock, then Y Wyddcrug's finest, The Joy Formidable, reflect the crags and slate of Eryri itself.
   Though they have moved to London, they still need to appear on Jools talking in Jamie Oliver Mockney.....oh, and a sex-change for Rhiannon 'Ritzy' Bryan would be useful as well!
   Ritzy is a great guitarist as well as powerful vocalist, but they can vary their sound, as shown on the latest album 'Wolf's Law'.
   The title track is actually hidden after 'Forest Serenade' and many might miss it, yet both these songs illustrate how the band are much more than crashing chords and the album as a whole has a lot of animal and natural imagery, which gives it a unity most rock albums do not possess nowadays. 
   Recently, even Jools Holland reflected the importance of women in rock with the appearance of two American bands on his series ( Wales still waits!).
   The exotically named Kanene Denehey Pipkin may be the second vocalist of Brooklyn's The Lone Bellow, but she's one of the main songwriters and is fundamental to their overall sound, especially on the rousing choruses. 
   Though more alt. folk than rock, they're a band who capture what Arcade Fire once possessed : a passion for melodies which lift you to lightning skies.
   Portland Oregon's Sleater-Kinney are a different matter altogether. A rock band who were around in the 1990s, they have re-emerged with a music which is raw and angular and less obvious than earlier material. The guitar playing of Carrie Brownstein summons up the great Marc Ribot (of Beefheart and Tom Waits fame) with its constant twisting and turning.
   Latest album 'No Cities To Love' is one of the best rock albums of the last decade and the main vocalist Corin Tucker has all the visceral power of Maggie Bell or Patti Smith. Even better, their politics are feminist and left-leaning , yet never carried heavily in the words.
   Like The Joy Formidable and Paper Aeroplanes, I doubt they'll be topping festival bills this summer.
   The rock scene has become too tedious and Harris is right to argue that its all-male dominance is a major factor.
   These bands have so much more to offer.

                               INT  GOT  NO  BALLS!




Women in rock
is like chess in pubs,
or rugby without goin
on-a piss before'and.




Women do b'long in-a crowd
or angin 'bout backstage.
When it comes t playin
they should stick t folk,




or teeny-bop stuff
or soul ballads, dressed up :
a Gemma Page in Led Zep,
cun yew imagine tha?




Le's face it, women
int got no balls!
Rock's a mewsical boxin bout :
they cun scream, but carn shout.  

    This week has seen the tragic death of one of Merthyr's most colourful ever election candidates (despite the grey plumage).
   Dr. Wayne-O Pijin, a PhD in Greggsology, stood for the Coo-coo-operative Party in the recent 'General Erection' (as he termed it).
  Sadly, his name never appeared on the ballot papers.
   The Electoral Commission ruled that a bird could not stand, despite the fact that many Cuckoos and Dodos appear to have been elected in England, Wales and n. Ireland.
   While Dr. Pijin's legal representative, the collared dove Timothy Rich-Pickings, was working on an appeal, he decided to abandon his home town of Merthyr Tudful and migrate to Scotland where, he claimed, the lure of discarded deep-fried Mars bars and also a political system which put the 'Coo' back into 'operative' were too great to resist.
   Wayne-O Pijin left very suddenly, but gave a message to one of his loyal supporters Bazza the wood pijin, to impart to his many followers -
   'Just because I am flying elsewhere doesn't mean everyone should do so. I'm retiring immediately as leader of the Coo-coo-operative Party, but will return  soon to take up the same position....on the roof of the Redhouse.'
   Unfortunately, we will never see Wayne-O Pijin again.
   He was found on a minor road on Friday afternoon after being hit by a juggernaut which, ironically, was transporting pasties and pies.
   He died suddenly yet with some degree of pleasure in the end, as he was apparently seen swooping for a stray piece of ham sandwich.
   His legal representative Timothy Rich-Pickings praised Dr. Pijin for his extensive knowledge of the ins and outs of the Greggs system.
  His numerous wives are expected to flock to his wake on the roof of Lucy Thomas Fountain, where he was born and where his friend and election agent Al-Wings Jones will read this elegy :-




                             ELEGY  T  WAYNE-O  PIJIN




Pooer ol Wayne-O,
never died as he'd-a liked to
bonkin on-a rooftops
or OD-ing on prime spew ;
never kicked the chip carton
scoffin is beak off.


Wayne-O Pijin, eero
of-a Food Tewbs an skies,
oos name never even
got on one ballot paper
coz of anti-avian discrimination.


It by a juggernaut
on is way t Scotland
t seek political asylum
from all-a No-Wings scum
oo shunned is wisdom
as jest so much pastie-fillin.


Wayne-O, we will bury yew
in a KFC bucket
down by Lucy Thomas Fountain
where yew woz once a fledglin ;
yewer vision o Coo-coo-operation
will forever live on.      

   The recent BBC Wales documentary 'We'll Keep A Welcome?' broached a question, but did it answer ?
  It was a very powerful programme which - sad to say - would've had far less viewers than the more sensationalist 'Skint'. It was produced with great care and compassion by a man of the town himself, Iwan England.
  It focused on four people who had emigrated to Merthyr and also the woman responsible for running the organisation in the photo, Dr Lesley Hodgson.
   It managed to do what no amount of statistics can achieve and what parties like UKIP and the far right do not want us to experience : to see the individual stories behind all the media headlines and to empathise closely with these immigrants.
  Of course, Hodgson made a vital point from the beginning: Merthyr is a town built on immigration.
  Not only that, but she acknowledged that there have been past tensions. In the 19th century, there was considerable resentment of the Irish who were drawn - like Spanish and Italians later - by the lure of employment in ironworks and mines.
  In the early 20th century, Jewish people suffered greatly from racist attacks, as they tried to set up businesses.
   Yet today, the Irish, Spanish and Italians have become totally integrated into our society.
   The programme also showed the emergence of UKIP in the month leading up to the General Election and the opening of their office just down the High Street from Focal.
   While the documentary movingly traced the lives of the four immigrants and the wonderful efforts of Lesley Hodgson to help them, it also let the UKIP candidate David Rowlands view his ideas and showed him electioneering down town , claiming to be the party 'of the working-class'.
  There was footage of our anti-UKIP demo outside their office, just after it had been opened. What was lacking perhaps were the dreadful statements made on that day by their candidates ; typically bigoted and callous.
   What was also lacking was an analysis of why UKIP did so well in a town with an erstwhile reputation for the socialist spirit.
  But, in a way, that is asking too much of a half hour documentary.
   What I found most touching was the way that several of the immigrants had come to embrace Merthyr as their home and had experienced a very positive reaction from our people.
   Jorge, owner of the Crown Inn, was full of optimism, as he set about refurbishing this most historic of pubs, where the Chartists met regularly. He was even generous to those who supported UKIP, arguing that they just didn't want any more coming in .
  Fernandez, the owner of a Tapas Bar, had married a local girl and , like Jorge had been drawn to the town by work at the meat factory, St. Merryn's.
  Above all, there was Beata, who helped Hodgson as a translator and who perceived the threat of UKIP. Her six year-old daughter had been born in Merthyr and , sensing the rise of UKIP, had said - ' Don't leave mummy. I live here....this is my place.'
  Even Mariuz, who struggled with the language and seemed the least integrated, was striving for a better life by sheer hard work.
   These were stories to counter UKIP's propaganda about shops which barred Welsh people ( a myth which candidate Rowlands was caught saying to people on the street ).
   The contributions of recent immigrants are already tangible, as Hodgson explained. Our High Street would be virtually nothing but Pound shops, Charity shops and money-lenders but for them.
   But , more than that, they add to the local economy with wages earned at the factories and to the culture with their food and music.
   When I lived in W. Germany in the 1970s there were many Gastarbeiter (guest-workers ) and these were temporary workers.
   They were greatly resented by the Germans and the Turks ,in particular, were regarded as almost sub-human by some.
  Yet, when the myth about the great German economic miracle is closely examined, you have to say that it was also built on their endeavours. At a nearby town the mines would not have functioned but for the Spanish and even in the small town where I lived, a carpet factory (which was the main industry) was sustained by Gastarbeiter .
   Naturally, it is difficult for people to see the positive side when they are struggling to survive.
   Yet it is illuminating just to stand outside Lesley Hodgson's office and read a window-full of posters, each one illustrating perfectly what individual immigrants have given to our society.
   So the answer is an ambiguous one.
   Yes, there is a welcome.....but there is also great resentment which is exploited by UKIP's simplistic message of  : 'Blame your neighbour'....... and not bankers, politicians and corporations , who are the real culprits


                           MUSLIMS  UP  YER!




I woz walkin up the ill
(tidee area, real quiet, no trouble)
when I seen em.


Thought I woz bloody allucinatin!
Four of them Muslims -
caps, long white robes an ewge beards.


We don' get nothin
like tha up by yer, 
on'y cornershops an doctors.


My first instinct wuz bombs,
oldin ostages, doin be'eadin's,
one carryin a suspicious package.


Sayz t myself - ' Now Dar,
stay calm mun! Reach f'r-a mobile,
no sudden moves or starin.'


'Iya!' one shouts, smilin.
I stares at-a package,
fulla fresh-picked blackberries.


'Orright?' I greeted back.
Maybe buryin summin or a trainin exercise?
Maybe they jest wanted stuff f pies?