- Ey, I seen Katherine Jenkins the other day in Merthyr!
- Never!
- Aye, she woz on-a bus eadin f Bargoed an wearin tha Union Jack dress.
- Musta bin er own private bus 'en?
- Nah, Stagecoach.
- C'mon, yew're takin the piss.
- I know....it woz jest a bloody advert f'r er latest album 'Celebration'. D'yew reckon she'll be supportin Englan' in-a Euros?
- Don' be darft! Jest coz she likes-a Queen don' mean she don' s'pport Wales. Stop windin me up mun!
- Reckon she's an egg-chaser anyway. She won' bloody like it when all-a Welsh fans start booin the Queen when we play Englan'.
- Look, she recorded tha song, but she done ower anthem an all, didn she?
- Anyroad, I wonder why she woz goin t Bargoed.
- Piss off!
I've been watching the latest series of Jools Holland avidly as ever ( let's face it, there's little else in terms of pop/ rock on telly).
On S4C I enjoy Y Stiwdio Gefn and Ochr Un and the former, in particular, is almost as eclectic as Jools.
I know I should listen more to the likes of Adam Walton and Bethan Elfyn on the radio, but the trouble is I end up doing something else and not concentrating on the music.
Jools' series has been very disappointing....the worst ever , in fact. As always, he uses the words 'genius' and 'legendary' like someone giving away freebies at a festival.
There have been a few exceptions : a magnificent performance from Paul Simon, stunning dance/ rock/ electronica from Christina and the Queens from France and great Americana from Jason Isball.
I marvelled at the voice of one Marlon Williams from New Zealand, then bought the album and found its over-production ruined his unique quality on all but one track.
I waited the whole series for a single Welsh contributor....was that keyboard fella from Underworld Welsh; he certainly sounded like it?
Otherwise, there was nobody from Cymru at all, not even the predictable 'Phonics or Tom Jones.
From Merthyr alone you could fill his studio with amazing talent : Kizzy Crawford to Pretty Vicious and all the rainbow between. The place where
( as I've said before) it's APPNIN!
But what about an all-Welsh Jools ( I am fantasizing, of course)?
My choice would largely avoid the obvious - the Manics and Furries - but I would select one legend/ genius in Meic Stevens, a man who's spanned the decades and written so many great songs. Our very own Dylan/Cohen/ Waits.
But he insists on singing in Welsh!
So difficult to choose individual songs, but 'Tryweryn' and 'Y Brawd Houdini' would be suitably contrasting.
The main act would definitely be The Joy Formidable ( worth selecting just to hear Jools say - 'All the way from Yr Wyddgrug'!). Their latest album 'Hitch' is probably their best yet, full of catchy tunes and riffs and sometimes much more direct.
They could play the wonderful single 'Last Thing on my Mind', heavy and drum-soloed 'It's Started' and delicate 'Underneath the Petal'.
The best rock band in these Isles. Simple as.
Singer-songwriter Georgia Ruth 's music has grown on me and 'Week of Pines' is a fine album, even though I wish she'd do more songs in Welsh. 'A Slow Parade' and 'Etrai' would show off all her talent : hewn lyrics, breeze-blown voice and harp-playing like the waves. A true daughter of Cardigan Bay.
Future of the Left are the opposite : not easy listening. They summon the spirit of Beefheart and Datblygu : surreal. shocking, funny and balancing between music and poetry/ story. Latest album 'The Peace & Truce Of....' is spiky as ever , and the three songs I'd go for would be 'Proper Music',' In a Former Life' and ' White Privilege Blues' ( which is not Blues at all!).
To complement these uncomfortable songs would be the Fleetwood Mac-like Paper Aeroplanes, whose last album 'Joy' was not their best by any means. For sadness and poignancy they stand out, and the songs I'd choose are 'Goldrush' and 'Race You Home'.
For the international spot it would have to be Ghazalaw, a truly superb collaboration between India and Cymru, like a curried lentil cawl (Jamie Bevan please note).
With the exception of Lau, Welsh folk music is far more adventurous and experimental than its Irish and Scottish counterparts, with the likes of 9Bach bringing all kinds of influences into interpreting traditional songs.
The contrasting aspects of Ghazalaw would be highlighted by the likes of 'Hen Ferchetan' and 'Lusa Lan'.
Curiously, the harp seems to be a thread in many of these, from Formidable's 'Petal' song to most of Ghazalaw.
So, imagine that : an all-Welsh Jools without an Empire honour in sight.
From the hilarious to harmonious; from Solfach to Yr Wyddgrug.
SINGERS OF THE EMPIRE
Katherine Jenkins OBE is wearing her Union flag dress
as she promotes her 'Celebration' of Mrs Windsor
from the side of a Stagecoach bus.
Dame Shirley's adorned all in gold
on the wall of a conqueror's fortress,
resembling an award misplaced.
Sir Tom keeps his lovely accent
as a Damien Hirst type exhibit :
giant leek preserved in formaldehyde.
Bryn Terfel CBE is cultivating royal harpists
at his flower festival on the hill :
they grow like cliched daffodils.
Cerys Matthews MBE sings lullabies to Kate's baby :
' Si Hwi Hwi', a song of slavery,
without any sense of irony.
Aled Jones MBE is interviewing Welsh snowmen
who've met the Queen, then melted after
and never made it to Buckers.
When we do 'Bradwyr'
we do it like no others :
salivating and singing for the Empire.
Note : bradwyr - Welsh for 'traitors'
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