Merthyr's new road bridge
Merthyr Tudful is rapidly changing and developing.
A brandnew college with an annexe in Greggs, where students spend most of their time.
A parabolic bridge 'with a twist' to show how progressive we are and even a large expanse of fencing where UKIP can happily display election posters.
Yes, that's how advanced we are.....we saw UKIP coming.
No matter that the area of rubbled, levelled land, once a brick-works, has been left vacant for years by the UKIP-supporting owner of Trago Mills, who are always on the verge of coming here.
A one-way system to rival Ponty , an urban maze that could be turned into an interesting board game , which allows all traffic to pass the 6th form college where drivers can admire students returning, laden with pasties.
Most convenient of all, we have two funeral parlours ( one the former Great Escape pub....most appropriate! ) located right near two Care Homes for the elderly. Georgetown reinvented!
We've also got lots more empty space at either end of the High Street, at Dic Penderyn Square (named after the Wetherspoon's pub, of course) and around the Lucy Thomas Fountain.
This enables our beloved Council to hold festivals with a particular Welsh dimension, such as chilli-eating and dressing up as dubious historical characters.
Then there's the Old Town Hall, imaginatively called Redhouse because....well, it's red! Here there's a traditional Welsh cafe, the Mad Hatters Emporium ( more than one Mad Hatter naturally), in which there are likenesses of many famous Merthyr people and lots of dead Labour politicians you won't recognise.
These are good times for the town, with its productive huge opencast called Ffos-y-fran and , as a result, the generosity of the company Miller Argent can be seen everywhere, with their bribes (er...I mean donations!).
Like the ironmasters of old, they are truly philanthropic and I wouldn't be surprised if they actually funded an asthma clinic, with the strange increase in cases in the town in recent years.
As many boast, we have 'One of the biggest black 'oles in Ewrop!'
The development doesn't stop at bridges, squares and pasties however.
There are plans to relocate the bus-station to the site of the present police-station, when the latter moves closer to the Assembly office....enabling officers to exit town quickly towards their houses elsewhere.
It's a clever idea moving the bus-station.
It's all designed to disorientate the alkies and druggies who hang around the place most days.
They 'll hardly want to sit around on a building-site as men in hard hats demolish the bus bays known to local pigeons as 'food tubes'.
Climbing up scaffolding may appear a challenge, but they'll surely come to grief and land on passing students brandishing sausage rolls.
The other great development in Merthyr - town of the martyr - is the real possibility of a local currency.
As all items in every shop will soon cost £1, then the idea is to spend a 'martyr' rather than sterling.
A 'martyr' would be a beer-can shaped piece of metal and would encourage those shops not charging a quid per item to do so.
Even things which are normally less, such as the local paper (useful for chip-wrapping and lighting fires) will have to change its price.
Poundland, Poundworld, Poundstretcher and Poundlings....so much choice, yet these shops are performing an act of sheer humanitarianism for giving those on benefits jobs for free i.e. paying them nothing.
In an age when such people are seen as the lepers of our society, it's wonderful to see such businesses give them a sense of purpose by labelling items with the cost for instance.
Tesco - which used to dominate the town - is attempting to hit back, but will eventually lose out as the 'martyr' takes hold.
Even their efforts to honour the local billionaire pie merchant Sir Stanley Thomas OBE by erecting displays of his goods on every aisle will not woo folk away from the subtle science of Greggsology.
Finally, perhaps the most innovatory proposal is the one which could see Merthyr-boy-made-good Julien Macdonald OBE design a series of outfits for some of our more pointless foot-bridges.
The concept of 'pimping' a bridge is a truly exciting one, and will surely bring even more tourists to the town.
Imagine the 'A' bridge as you turn off the A470 towards Rhydycar in a Macdonald creation : topped with fur from rare animals, with a luminous lacy draping. It is certainly skinny enough to warrant his attention.
A PIJIN IN GREGGS
This pijin woz struttin is stuff down town,
ee wuz in Greggs lunchtime -
think ee wuz arfta the offer
of 5 ring donuts f'r a pound.
So I sayz to im, I sayz -
'Ow d'yew get in yer pijin but?'
'Well', ee replies,' I flew down
from my perch on-a Lucy Thomas Fountain,
then I come up the Igh Street
pas where Anne's Pantree ewsed t be,
pas the New Crown Inn, like Labour,
the Crown t yew an me......
pas where Woolies ewsed t be
tidee sweets in the ol dayz ;
pas where Smith's ewsed t be
an-a Body Shop, great f Christmas smellies.
Pas where Dew'urst's ewsed t be,
pickin at-a back, bits o bodies ;
pas where a Co ewsed t be,
like-a sound 'Co', bit like me.
I come yer f'r a pastie
coz I wanna do a college course
t learn ow t be a seagull
an yeard this is where yew enroll.'
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