Wayne-O Pijin poses for the press
I was sitting to discuss election strategy with my Campaign Manager Al-Wings Jones at our latest favourite perch the Redhouse (which he calls the Old Town Hall and I, in my best pijin Welsh call Ty Co-co-co-coch).
My election campaign had been put on hold due to the breakdown of our tour bus, a large nest on wheels, and a certain matter of a bumptious cuckoo.
Al-Wings was nibbling on his usual Green Tea Burger, while I had the pickings of a dish called Wales Meets Asia, a tasty lentil cawl a la Bevan.
Al-Wings was on top form.....
- I ad another vision mun!
- Go on Al, tell all!
- Well, I woz wingin down-a Food Tubes an I seen this coin flung in the air. It woz pewer gold an as it spun I seen one side of it an....know wha?....yewer face wuz on it!
- Yew shewer it wern tha Mrs Windsor?
- Nah....then I seen a bit o tha day's 'Daily No-Wings'. The eadline sayz 'SEARCH FOR NATIONAL BIRD BEGINS'. Coincidence or summin much deeper? What yew think?
- So, whadda I do?
- Not a lot. I'll sort the letters....pigeon post.....with yewer photo in em. Yew jest need t write summin sayin why yew should be the national bird instead of say, the robin or the blackbird.
- Bloody ell Al-Wings, thought yew wuz gunna say seagull then!
- There's talk of it.
- Right, I'll do it straight away.....national bird , eh? That'll be a sure-fire election winner!
So I set about writing my claim -
My name is Wayne-O Pijin and I live in Merthyr Tudful or, as we call it, Greggsville.
I am just an ordinary pigeon who happens to be standing at the General Election for the Co-co-co-operative Party.
I feel very strongly that the pigeon should be the national bird and that my image should therefore adorn coins, notes, signs and, quite possibly, feature on the flag.
I am modest and hard-working, similar to the majority of No-Wings in this land.
Above all, I have been verbally abused by the media for far too long, often called things like 'a rat with wings'.
While scavenger seagulls may have fancy moves, robins look cute but never move from the garden and blackbirds only seek lucrative recording contracts; we are common, useful and share many traits with the No-Wings.
We live in both towns and countryside just like you and our eating habits are remarkably similar : corned beef pasties being a particular choice.
Just like you we believe it's vital to crap on our enemies and can do so selectively if need be.
Like many of you our real contributions to society often go unnoticed and, on Friday and Saturday nights for instance, we can clear a town of unwanted vomit very rapidly.
As National Bird I Wayne-O Pijin would represent the country at all relevant ceremonies such as Bill Oddie's birthday and Trafalgar Square Festival of Droppings.
Moreover, without wishing to threaten anyone, we would call a halt to our on-going war with bus passengers immediately ( and that's more than seagulls will ever promise!).
What's common is also extraordinary!
Remember......Homer was a pigeon.
PIJIN POWER
Of all the birds of these islands
the pigeon is easily the best :
common and living off scraps,
we shit on all the rest.
Labour might choose the robin,
dash of red and safe in a garden ;
the Tories would be the buzzard
preying upon everyone.
LibDems are definitely cuckoos
using the nests of others ;
the Greens are surely kingfishers,
glorious in a flash by rivers.
Plaid Cymru would be the warbler,
fine singing and then gone ;
while UKIP are circling vultures
not native to this clime.
But we pigeons soar to rooftops
and know what it's like on the ground :
won't desert you for warmer seasons
and we make a coo-coo-operative sound.
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