I thoroughly enjoyed the first episode of the new comedy drama series 'Meet the UKIPers'.
Quite how it's going to develop is a mystery though, as already many of the main characters seem to have written themselves out of it.
It was one of the funniest programmes I've seen for a while.....well, along with 'Fortitude' a Nordic noir murder thriller set on a fictitious island where all the Nordic natives conveniently speak English and the real villain is a perfectly preserved Woolly Mammoth dug up out of the snow.
The UKIPers could easily be renamed The Clangers , as they proceeded to drop them, in typical fashion, from the off.
One candidate was caught describing a local food van owner as 'A ting tong from somewhere...' Surely an echo of Bloom's 'Bongo-bongo Land' comment?
The character playing Nigel Farage bore an uncanny likeness to the real Barage Balloon himself, except that he hardly raised a pint and only once let off one of his characteristic grins.
His role in this comedy was peripheral anyway and when he was due to visit a town in the area where he's due to stand for election, UKIP fooled the local Labour Party by sending in one of his minions to stand around with purple rosette and take all the flak.
Flak he certainly took, as a story had hit the national press originating from a local twitter account.
A survey in London about UKIP's chances in the General Election had been conducted outside Westminster Abbey.
Unfortunately, this local had mistaken the all-hallowed-and-oh-so-English building for a mosque and tweeted sarcastically about that.
Labour had a field day, but never got near the beloved Barage.
You couldn't make it up.....except that fiction is stranger than truth, as they don't say.
The comedy centred on a UKIP couple : earnest, genuine and completely insane, who ran a hotel for dogs in this fading seaside town.
The entire local branch of the party used the dog hotel to drop off their dogs and bitches.
As well as being over-run by very English-looking spaniels , the couple also housed hundreds of clowns : each one remarkably resembling the very UKIP candidates who later gathered to listen to their leader.
The couple found these clowns very amusing and, in a Royston Vasey kind of way, they were.
As the drama unfolded, the husband (long grey hair and apathetic as a pupil force-fed Shakespeare) was asked to stand for the local Council.
He wore a tie for the first time in years and looked strangled as his wife put it on for him. He attended the selection meeting and mumbled that he 'wanted to do something' ( sounding like he meant 'jump off a nearby pier').
To the delight of his Press Officer wife, he was instantly accepted. He only attended the Barage Bash for the beer!
Apart from the expressive dogs, the Press Officer was the star of the programme.
In her address to candidates she threatened to dig her stilettos into anyone who dropped a clanger.
Unfortunately she wasn't wearing them when one local UKIP Councillor visited the dog hotel to pick up her spaniels.
There were a series of gaffes , of course : when the ex-National Front man leading Barage's campaign told radio reporters to 'Eff off!' and another candidate claimed that the two main parties had 'created racism'.
But these were minor compared to Rozanne ( with a 'z', as in Nazi).
She couldn't be stilettoed as she sat in the dogs' hotel describing her aversion to all 'Nigroes'.....their curly hair, shiny skin, big lips.
She eventually had to resign, but protested loudly as others in the party who had talked about 'poofters' and 'chinks' still remained in the fold.
Ultimately, this comedy is all about a party in self-destructive mode, as even the Press Officer resigned in disgust with Rozanne and her reluctant hubby gave up his political ambitions to have two knee operations.
The UKIP foot-soldiers came over as a dysfunctional Dad's Army : overwhelmingly white, middle-class and aging.
I'm not sure how this comedy drama can proceed.
Perhaps the Barage lookalike will return to the area and recruit only the dogs?
Perhaps the focus will turn to Heale, the former Nazi and Tory Party member, who reminded everyone that he'd never been in the SS, in front of a large photo of Mrs Windsor?
For a comedy drama it all seemed amazingly realistic.
Funny that, isn't it?
THE UKIP DOGS' HOTEL
In the UKIP dogs' hotel
all the breeds are pedigree British
from spaniels to Queen-love corgis.
A Councillor sits and pares long, purple nails,
explaining how she's never a racist :
' It's only the Nigroes!', she rails.
'It's their curly hair and white teeth,
those flared nostrils and bulbous lips
and that incredibly shiny black skin.
Something must've happened when I was young.
I must've blanked it out since then.
I couldn't even sit next to one!'
Her two spaniels cocked their ears
and boggled eyes at her description.
The Press Officer forgot to put stilettos on.
Every wall and shelf packed with clowns :
Hamilton, Farage, Gill and Bloom,
red lips and stary eyes, ruddy round noses.
'Free speech,' she adds, filing and sharpening,
'is what I joined this party for.'
The Press Officer harries her to the door.
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