Wayne-O Pijin behind bars
Very shocking news for the New Year, as leader of the Pijic Flying Party and self-proclaimed Satguru of Pijinism Wayne-O Pijin was arrested on New Year's Day.
He was taken to Merthyr Police Station (whose location remains a mystery to everyone) and charged with 'Inflightment to violence.'
This follows on from a series of vicious attacks by what can only be described as 'psycho-pijins' on New Year's Eve.
One prostrate drunkard, having a 'quiet kip' in the drain was set upon by several pigeons who tried to 'steal my effin kebab'.
A stilletoed celebrator almost lost an eye as she raised a fry to her face and was bombarded by marauding birds.
I managed to speak to Wayne-O over the phone. I could not find the police station as Google Maps indicated an underground bunker somewhere near the Assembly offices.
He was incandescent with rage - 'I have been victimised! Pigeons have been deliberately spiked by No-Wings on a regular basis, yet now they're blaming me for a series of attacks which I didn't carry out.
I believe they see my Pijic Flying Party as a political threat. They are playing into the hands of my enemies like Bazza of the Black Wood, who will move his cohorts into town in my absence.
I am told he has made a pact with the seagulls....that's how low he has stooped!'
Wayne-O has no legal assistance, as his lawyer Timothy Rich-pickings is too busy giving counselling to victims of the pijic cult.
His erstwhile ally Al-Wings Jones is still recovering from serious surgery and has been seen consorting with rodents by the River Taff.
Most of Wayne-O's supporters have rejected him for fear of being arrested themselves and only his several wives have stood by him.
'I am being left to rot in a cage next to common or garden parrots, budgies, canaries and one mynah bird by the name of Woody.
Worst of all, there's a seagull called Arty in the next cage who's been arrested for cannibalism.....he actually killed and ate the young of another gull!
I have had to endure various forms of torture.
The cops insist on eating chips and gravy and large meat pies in front of me and even threatening to turn me into a pie if I don't stop coo-cooing.'
However, Merthyr's streets have certainly quietened down since Wayne-O's arrest.
The rate of serious avian assaults has rapidly decreased and tourists have returned to Lucy Thomas Fountain to wait for the water to rise up again.
Ballet lessons run by the College Boulevard Dance Troupe have resumed in Redhouse, undisturbed by the frantic noises of pigeons copulating on the roof.
Wayne-O still intends to plead his innocence in court -
' When we were clearing up vomit or eating all the flung waste from numerous takeaways, the No-Wings never complained.
They want passive pigeons. They want us docile as the stuffed animals in Cyfarthfa Museum.
But no, we pigeons are made of stronger stuff......I will fight for justice!'
It appears that Wayne-O Pijin's political ambitions are finished though.
He can no longer be accepted as Pijic Flying Party candidate in May's Assembly election, due to his arrest.
This is a love poem written by one of his wives, Gloria McFly.......
KING OF ALL PIJINS!
My pooer dear Wayne-O
stuck in a prison.
Ee've bin framed
I cun tell yew.
'Inflightment to violence',
but ee on'y brings peace.
They should rename ower town
Merthyr Wayne, ower new martyr.
King of all pijins!
Lord of all doves!
Omer Erectus t us wives ;
they wan' a sacrifice.
Pooer darlin Wayne-O
treated like some parrot or seagull,
but ee int talkin,
on'y 'Coo,coo,coo.'
Ower lives 're emtee
as a place without pasties.
He was taken to Merthyr Police Station (whose location remains a mystery to everyone) and charged with 'Inflightment to violence.'
This follows on from a series of vicious attacks by what can only be described as 'psycho-pijins' on New Year's Eve.
One prostrate drunkard, having a 'quiet kip' in the drain was set upon by several pigeons who tried to 'steal my effin kebab'.
A stilletoed celebrator almost lost an eye as she raised a fry to her face and was bombarded by marauding birds.
I managed to speak to Wayne-O over the phone. I could not find the police station as Google Maps indicated an underground bunker somewhere near the Assembly offices.
He was incandescent with rage - 'I have been victimised! Pigeons have been deliberately spiked by No-Wings on a regular basis, yet now they're blaming me for a series of attacks which I didn't carry out.
I believe they see my Pijic Flying Party as a political threat. They are playing into the hands of my enemies like Bazza of the Black Wood, who will move his cohorts into town in my absence.
I am told he has made a pact with the seagulls....that's how low he has stooped!'
Wayne-O has no legal assistance, as his lawyer Timothy Rich-pickings is too busy giving counselling to victims of the pijic cult.
His erstwhile ally Al-Wings Jones is still recovering from serious surgery and has been seen consorting with rodents by the River Taff.
Most of Wayne-O's supporters have rejected him for fear of being arrested themselves and only his several wives have stood by him.
'I am being left to rot in a cage next to common or garden parrots, budgies, canaries and one mynah bird by the name of Woody.
Worst of all, there's a seagull called Arty in the next cage who's been arrested for cannibalism.....he actually killed and ate the young of another gull!
I have had to endure various forms of torture.
The cops insist on eating chips and gravy and large meat pies in front of me and even threatening to turn me into a pie if I don't stop coo-cooing.'
However, Merthyr's streets have certainly quietened down since Wayne-O's arrest.
The rate of serious avian assaults has rapidly decreased and tourists have returned to Lucy Thomas Fountain to wait for the water to rise up again.
Ballet lessons run by the College Boulevard Dance Troupe have resumed in Redhouse, undisturbed by the frantic noises of pigeons copulating on the roof.
Wayne-O still intends to plead his innocence in court -
' When we were clearing up vomit or eating all the flung waste from numerous takeaways, the No-Wings never complained.
They want passive pigeons. They want us docile as the stuffed animals in Cyfarthfa Museum.
But no, we pigeons are made of stronger stuff......I will fight for justice!'
It appears that Wayne-O Pijin's political ambitions are finished though.
He can no longer be accepted as Pijic Flying Party candidate in May's Assembly election, due to his arrest.
This is a love poem written by one of his wives, Gloria McFly.......
KING OF ALL PIJINS!
My pooer dear Wayne-O
stuck in a prison.
Ee've bin framed
I cun tell yew.
'Inflightment to violence',
but ee on'y brings peace.
They should rename ower town
Merthyr Wayne, ower new martyr.
King of all pijins!
Lord of all doves!
Omer Erectus t us wives ;
they wan' a sacrifice.
Pooer darlin Wayne-O
treated like some parrot or seagull,
but ee int talkin,
on'y 'Coo,coo,coo.'
Ower lives 're emtee
as a place without pasties.
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