Lucy Thomas Fountain in Merthyr - declared a sacred site of Pijinism
In an extraordinary development this week, the Merthyr General 'Erection' candidate for the Coo-coo-operative Party Dr. Wayne-O Pijin appeared to come back from the dead.
Just as his takeaway box was being dropped into the River Taff in time-honoured pigeon tradition, Dr. Pijin ( an eminent PhD in Greggsology) simply flew out of it, greeting shocked followers and ecstatic wives with a long 'Cooooooooo!'
His election manager Al-Wings Jones saw it as a spiritual sign :
' It's a Zen Buddhist revelation!' he claimed.'I truly believe Wayne-O Pijin has returned to lead us into a new and feather-based religion which requires no worship of a god whatsoever......We arel all dead and alive at the same time and Dr. Pijin proved this by his own example. We were all convinced that he'd kicked the carton after being hit by a juggernaut while fleeing to Scotland after the election.'
His former legal representative Timothy Rich-Pickings was far more sceptical :
' I think he was merely in a coma and came round just as the carton-coffin was falling towards the water. What we'd believed to be blood on his body was, in fact, tomato ketchup as, contrary to media reports, he'd swooped for a large hot-dog and not a sandwich.'
However, one of his many lovely wives, Rita Homer, was coo-ing with delight :
' It's soooo great to have Wayne-O back and in one piece. I only hope he decides to stay in his home town.....the standard of vomit here is far better than in Scotland.'
I managed to speak to Dr. Pijin when he landed on the roof of the Redhouse to re-unite with his families and followers. He was understandably shaken but confident enough to declare himself 'guru' of this new religion , open to everyone except seagulls :
' I actually died! I can assure you that, contrary to previous pigeon philosophy, the afterlife is not the insides of a Giant Pasty.
No, it is a place I've been to before and will happily lead anyone towards if only they are open to it.
It's a place which is inside and outside, alive and dead, up and down.
It's a place which is neither good nor bad, right or wrong.
All you have to do is fly without taking off....even No-Wings can try it.
I am calling it Pijinism and it's definitely not a cult.
I'm not saying anybody should make offerings of pies, pasties or long fries to me.
All I am saying is that from now on the Lucy Thomas Fountain is a sacred site of all who declare themselves Pijinists and any contributions would be welcome.'
When I put it to him that he'd been in a deep coma, he was dismissive :
' I was taken into one long vision....from that small country road to the sky above the river.
It's possible for everybody to fly away from themselves in order to discover their links with the universe.
There is no Pasty God!
Greggsology is a false creed and I shall throw my doctorate into the Taff!
We no longer need to look to scraps and pickings as our only joys......even with bonking we can only raise ourselves so far.'
It remains to be seen whether other pigeons and doves will embrace this message.
The early indications are that the erstwhile politician has really started something.
Whether the No-Wings will join this Pijic Flying is another matter.
Could a religious party even stand in next year's Assembly election?
This is Timothy Rich-Pickings eye witness account......
A PIJIN RE-BORN
As a legal eagle
(even though I'm officially
a collared dove)
I am always sceptical.
However, I witnessed it.
It was a typical pigeon funeral
as Dr. Pijin's KFC bucket
was dropped onto the River Taff.
His many wives coo-ed
and keened, comrade Bazza
the wood pijin potion-maker
let him go from on high.
Saw it with my own eyes!
It was a miraculous sight!
Let the dead rise!
(Actually, I think it was a coma).
Wayne-O flew out of his carton
before it hit the water,
soared towards us like an angel
uttering forth -' Any donuts? I'm starvin!'
Al-Wings Jones would have none of it,
believing it was all a sign :
'Wayne-O is back and Pijinism is born!'
he declared....and dropped his load.
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