Wayne-O Pijin parading past the Polish shop, after addressing followers at Lucy Thomas shrine
Friends, No-Wings and Pijins, cease your coo-ings and listen!
I have given you the Coo-coo-operative Party and now I give you pijinism/ pijiniaeth.
Yes, let us be bi-lingual, after all we have shat upon the 'siaradwyr Cymraeg' with equal relish over the years.
Now it is my duty to warn you!
There are serious threats to my status as a demi-god.
This realisation came about when I tried landing on a bin down town and found it had been spiked.
Yes, would you believe it, the authorities do not embrace our beloved 'pijiniaeth' and are even putting these deadly devices on common bins.
I knew immediately that this was all related to a new and insidious personality cult which is creeping across the country from England.
I first came across this whilst reading a stray chip paper ( yes, we still use them sometimes in Merthyr).
On it was an article by my favourite political coo-mentator Frankie Boyle, Scotsman and lover of pigeons.
As I read it I became very concerned.
He described a No-Wings called Jeremy Caw-bin ( think that's how you say it ) who was addressing his first party conference as leader.
Boyle specifically said that this Caw-bin was a 'pigeon in a suit' and I knew, straight away, he was a traitor.
He can't deceive me, good followers.
Whether he is an over-sized crow or conniving pigeon, I'm certain the lethal bin is all part of his plot to destroy pijinism.
Traitors are now everywhere and we will have to deal with them in the traditional manner of 'mass pecking', 'guano burying' and 'knockout dive-bombing'.
Even my former ally and once trusted disciple Bazza Woodpijin has turned against us and abandoned the faith.
I have decreed a 'chipwa' ( our equivalent of a 'fatwa') against him.
He has mocked our faith with his frivolous and blasphemous chanting of ' Om Mangy Pijin Hum'.
My informants tell me he has begun to set up his own sub-cult in the Black Wood (the name signifies everything about it).
If any of you catch sight of him near Lucy Thomas shrine or the hallowed Food Cloisters in town, then you know what to do.
I have heard that his few followers waste their time drinking all manner of noxious brews made from tincture of sausage roll and even cannibalistic pigeon pie.
Trusted Pijinites, now's the time to show your allegiance to the one true guru, who happens to be myself (but could easily be you).
Remember, I'm not here to preach, but to show you a way that will change your lives forever.
There will be no more stress from being chased by dogs or mini No-Wings.
There will be so much more than the Great Pasty of Beyond.
Pijic flying is a state of no-mind.
Caw-bin is a charlatan who preaches a better world , yet can deliver nothing.
Bazza of the Black Wood can only give you a bad head when you wake up in roof guttering in the morning.
No, seize the moment and direct the fury of your beaks and droppings towards enemies as dangerous as seagulls.
We must protect this precious gift........ which I have now written up as a self-help manual '49 Steps To Flying Without Wings' (Pijin Press), available at all good bookshops ready for Christmas.
THE CAW-BIN
This is not a hedgehog
or a porcupine
on the run down town.
More like a Medieval
torture device
to skewer us pigeons.
Soon they'll be everywhere,
spiky benches
spiky railings.
It's the fault
of false doctrine,
bird disguised as No-Wing.
They want us on kebabs,
they want us pinned -
I blame that Caw-bin!
I have given you the Coo-coo-operative Party and now I give you pijinism/ pijiniaeth.
Yes, let us be bi-lingual, after all we have shat upon the 'siaradwyr Cymraeg' with equal relish over the years.
Now it is my duty to warn you!
There are serious threats to my status as a demi-god.
This realisation came about when I tried landing on a bin down town and found it had been spiked.
Yes, would you believe it, the authorities do not embrace our beloved 'pijiniaeth' and are even putting these deadly devices on common bins.
I knew immediately that this was all related to a new and insidious personality cult which is creeping across the country from England.
I first came across this whilst reading a stray chip paper ( yes, we still use them sometimes in Merthyr).
On it was an article by my favourite political coo-mentator Frankie Boyle, Scotsman and lover of pigeons.
As I read it I became very concerned.
He described a No-Wings called Jeremy Caw-bin ( think that's how you say it ) who was addressing his first party conference as leader.
Boyle specifically said that this Caw-bin was a 'pigeon in a suit' and I knew, straight away, he was a traitor.
He can't deceive me, good followers.
Whether he is an over-sized crow or conniving pigeon, I'm certain the lethal bin is all part of his plot to destroy pijinism.
Traitors are now everywhere and we will have to deal with them in the traditional manner of 'mass pecking', 'guano burying' and 'knockout dive-bombing'.
Even my former ally and once trusted disciple Bazza Woodpijin has turned against us and abandoned the faith.
I have decreed a 'chipwa' ( our equivalent of a 'fatwa') against him.
He has mocked our faith with his frivolous and blasphemous chanting of ' Om Mangy Pijin Hum'.
My informants tell me he has begun to set up his own sub-cult in the Black Wood (the name signifies everything about it).
If any of you catch sight of him near Lucy Thomas shrine or the hallowed Food Cloisters in town, then you know what to do.
I have heard that his few followers waste their time drinking all manner of noxious brews made from tincture of sausage roll and even cannibalistic pigeon pie.
Trusted Pijinites, now's the time to show your allegiance to the one true guru, who happens to be myself (but could easily be you).
Remember, I'm not here to preach, but to show you a way that will change your lives forever.
There will be no more stress from being chased by dogs or mini No-Wings.
There will be so much more than the Great Pasty of Beyond.
Pijic flying is a state of no-mind.
Caw-bin is a charlatan who preaches a better world , yet can deliver nothing.
Bazza of the Black Wood can only give you a bad head when you wake up in roof guttering in the morning.
No, seize the moment and direct the fury of your beaks and droppings towards enemies as dangerous as seagulls.
We must protect this precious gift........ which I have now written up as a self-help manual '49 Steps To Flying Without Wings' (Pijin Press), available at all good bookshops ready for Christmas.
THE CAW-BIN
This is not a hedgehog
or a porcupine
on the run down town.
More like a Medieval
torture device
to skewer us pigeons.
Soon they'll be everywhere,
spiky benches
spiky railings.
It's the fault
of false doctrine,
bird disguised as No-Wing.
They want us on kebabs,
they want us pinned -
I blame that Caw-bin!
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